


The battle of the fedoras

by PrayingToJesus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Arrests, Bongs, Cops, Drugs, Dudebros, F/F, F/M, Hot Topic, Humor, Kissing, Marijuana, No Homo, Smoking, Weed, Yes homo, fedoras, friendzoned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 04:22:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3636579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrayingToJesus/pseuds/PrayingToJesus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pearl is always getting friendzoned by Rose and she gets in a fight with a fellow fedora wearing user and Pearl must fight them to the death... in a battle of wits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The battle of the fedoras

Pearl was typing on her computer and she was on reddit yet again looking for topics to fight with and get in flame wars with because she wanted to show her intelligence on the boards, she found one by someone with a green icon, they were wearing a fedora, Pearl was insulted, that was the same fedora she had worn for 2 years ?? 

They were stealing her fedora style??

Pearl would not have any of that, she was going to wreck this MONSTER-FEDORA-STEALER-WANNABE in a flame war!

Peridot was browsing Reddit in her sexy fedora and posted some selfies in the fedora selfie board of her and her sexy fedora.

Pearl was so insulted how dare Peridot be posting where she can fucking see, did she thijnk she fucking owned the internet?? How fucking dare she. Pearl stuffed a bunch of cheetos in her mouth and typed away as it got all cheeto crumbs on the fucking keyboard.

"who do you think you are you peice of shit, posting in the selfie tag of fedoras?" 

Pearl only read the first half of what was going on in the board and said, "how dare you all be supporting her fedora?? SHE STOLE IT OFF OF ME!!!"

Pearl also saw Peridot had said she hated the color pink, that was Pearl's bffz favorite color, so Pearl replied to that post too and said, "Oh my god, how fucking dare you say you hate pink you fucking peice of shit, that's fucking colorist, you are racist to the rainbow."

"lol go back to 4chan" typed Peridot after seeing Pearl's angry post and laughed. She posted more selfies of her and her fedora and her Mountain Dew. She opened a bag of Doritos slowly.

"excuse me?? uyou swine?? I will not, take your peice of shit fedora wearing ass back to MLP forums," Pearl replied, she had noteably started a flame war.

She always did shit like this, Rose her bff, would sometimes worry about her because she stayed in the fucking house for days, Rose thinks Pearl has a problem. Pearl does but she doesn't care, she gobbled her cheetos loudly, kind of like how she doesn't gobble cock because she is a lesbian.

"Ewww lmao are you jealous of my sexy fedora (;" and then Peridot posted a reply with her kissing her fedora while winking at the camera. There was a mountain of mountain dew behind her, that was Peridot's mountain dew collection.

"Um, what the fuck is that behind you, learn to not live like such a disgusting human being, thanks," Pearl replied, she then looked at her own cheeto fingers and said, "oh" to herself quietly.

Pearl posted a picture of her wearing two fedoras at once because surely that was edgy as fuck.

"Umad bro, go fap to ponies and little boys lol." In response Peridot flipped the bird at the camera while wearing three fedoras. Peridot also had some figures of Rainbow Dash on her desk but would not admit it because she is closet brony and bronies are fucking gross lolicons but with ponies.

Pearl was enraged by this, how fucking dare that person assume she even dignified her time with such things like that. "EXCUSE ME, I SEE YOUR NASTY ASS RAINBOW DASH ON YOUR DESK, I BET YOU SHOVE THAT UP YOUR DIRTY, INFESTED, MOUTAIN DEW RIDDEN, VAGINA," Pearl replied in all caps because she is angry and then she took another selfie of her in three fedoras and she was going to one up the fuck out of Peridot.

"also I see your name is Peridot, ha, ha does that stand for PERIOD???" Pearl mocked, she was sure she was so witty, ha, ha.

Pearl clutched her bag of cheetos and gobbled more down, laughing.

What the fuck??? What rainbow dash. Oh, it must be the one that Peridot had on her desk. And was this, Pearl, insulting her beautiful waifu???????? Peridot typed angrily, "Excuse yo u who the fuck do you like then, maybe Applejack you fucking fag no one even likes her anyway lol!" 

She attempted to make some shitty joke out of Pearl's name but she could not. Getting even more pissed Peridot chugged a bottle of Mountain Dew and ate some Doritos.

"Applejack?! Applejack? Hah! Hardly, all know that Fluttershy is the supreme waifu," Pearl replied and smiled having defended waifu, Fluttershy's honnor.

Pearl took off all her clothes and put a fedora on both her boobs and put on fedora shoes and two fedoras on her head and one on her ass and took a selfie, she tagged Peridot in it and said, "This is my fedora suit, good luck trying to prove you're better than me now bitch ; ) HA HA."

Pearl laughed, and laughed, and then accidentally choked on a cheeto and started coughing, "bitch ass cheetso..." she whispered.

This Pearl was a fucking bitch. Peridot had never encountered someone so uneducated. Everyone knew Rainbow Dash was the one waifu. "Dash is best pony, she is 20% cooler than Flutterbitch." Peridot was so clever so she smiled and shoved more fucking Doritos in her mouth to reward herself.

"This fedora suit is nothing," she said to herself, laughing. Pathetic. She gets naked and puts on her suit, made of fedoras she took apart and sewed herself, and a tie made of fedoras, in fact it was literally just a fedora hanging from her neck.

 

Pearl was ferious, how fucking dare this casual have done that, how dare Peridot have had so many fedoras, this was absolute bullshit, Pearl couldn't believe this. Pearl went into her closet, piles and piles of fedoras falling out as she threw them all onto herself and hid into the pile, her head sticking out only as she took a selfie.

"That's my fedora pile ; )," Pearl said as she sent the reply to Peridot.

Some other users were watching this shit go down.

"You're all fucking nerds, get off reddit, LULZ." A user had typed, they looked as orange in their icon as Pearl's fucking cheetos.

"At least I'm not a fucking furry!" Pearl said as she sent that to Peridot.

Pearl was holding her waifu body pillow of fluttershy.

"I will come to your house and wreck you as well : )"

Pearl was confident in her ability to fight.

 

"LOL did you go to Walmart to buy all those fedoras???" Peridot took a selfie with her forty silk genuine precious fedoras that cost over 200 dollars. True they were not as numerous as Pearl's fedoras but Peridot's commitment was to be commended. 

"You wanna fight me bitch" she added to her reply, "these guns don't lie" and then she spent like 5 minutes photoshopping muscles to her bare arms.

"EXCUSE ME, I ordered them online!! that is how REAL people buy their fedoras," Pearl replied, she had also bought them with Rose's credit cards, Pearl was jealous of Rose's boyfriend, so she always spent their money, especically on fedoras.

"that is the shittiest scarf I have ever seen, aw did your grandma sew it for you?" Pearl insulted and finished off her bag of cheetos and threw it into the void a.k.a the corner.

"Your muscles look fake as hell, they also look green?? thats not normal, its probably from drinking all that mountain dew, you radoactive freak!"

Pearl's skin was pale as fuck because she never left the god damn house other than to go outside with Rose because she needed "fresh air" or to go shopping at hot topic with her emo friends, Amethyst and Garnet that she met at a fedora convention.

"Your fedoras fake af bitch lol, i bet you ordered online, that's why your skin is pale as shit, maybe it's because you came so many times to jacking off to pictures of your shitty waifu Fluttershy." Peridot shoved four Doritos at once in her mouth like a bawss, at least she thinks that is how you say it.

She took another picture of her Photoshopped muscles. "Jealous of these fucker, they look more real than your skinny ass white arms anyway."

"What the fuck, my skin is naturally flawless111!!!!" Pearl replied angrily.

"I'm going to come over to your fucking house and wreck you, I'm getting your IP as we speak and your location."

Pearl typed H.A.C.K

"I'm in," Pearl said.

Pearl recieved Peridot's location and said, "I'm coming to your house right now."

Pearl took a selfie of her flipping Peridot off and logged off.

Got in her shitty car that saves the earth because ECO FRIENDLY!! which she totally did for Rose because she loves Rose....

Pearl was driving to the location, so fast, so fast.

A knock was heard echoing throughout Peridot's house.

"HOLY SHIT" Peridot screamed like a fucking pussy and then immediately put on a robe and brought her bag of Doritos because Doritos helped calm her down. She hastily put on two fedoras so Peridot looked slightly presentable and cool.

"yes hello," said Peridot coolly and opened the door. That bitch fucking pale ass Pearl. "Fuck you bitch," and then she closed the door.

"Open the door you little bitch, get out here and fight me," Pearl commanded as she banged on the door.

"I will ram my Earth saving mini van so far up your ass if you don't open this door!!"

Pearl was sure that Peridot was crying somewhere in a corner.

Peridot was like oh shit she wants to fight me, she crammed 20 doritos in her mouth. Doritos were falling out her mouth as she muttered hastily, "Fuck fuck fuck fuck," and then she just got one of her broken keyboards from the broken keyboards box and opened the front door.

Pearl was wearing three shapr rings that could stab a bitch that she bought from hot topic, they were as sharp as a double sided dildo.

Pearl showed her fists off.

"You are not such a pussy I see!!" Pearl exclaimed as she was ready to fucking fight this unrefined shitty dorito girl.

"lets go bitch," Pearl said.

Peridot did not waste time, she dumped her entire bag of Doritos on Pearl's head and then slammed her broken keyboard into Pearl's tits. Then she went back and got another bag of Doritos because Peridot was hunger.

Pearl did not even have time to react, the keyboard smashed against them, Pearl was caught off gaurd.

"oh so you want to fight dirty do you???" 

Pearl then got in her car and started it up.

"I'm going to shove my mini van so far up your ass, you won't be able to shit for weeks."

Pearl drove her shitty mini van into the side of Peridot's house.

"wow your house looks like shit, unlike my house that is very kawaii desu,,, cause Rose-senpai lives in it... too..." Pearl said fangirling over her lesbian crush.

"WHAT THE FUCK I WILL SUE YOU BITCH," Peridot yelled because that is her residence and the place she was living in what the hell?? "FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHITTY FUCKING GAY ASS CAR," then she got inside her huge ass green Honda and rammed into Pearl's ugly eco car.

"OH? SO IT'S A DRAG RACE YOU WANT HONEY? WELL LET ME TELL YOU!" Pearl did not finish her sentence as she was rammed into by Peridot's shitty green neon honda car, Pearl's car sputtered and made weird ass noises and Pearl screeched and clicked a button in her echo friendly car, and it spit out a huge gas smoke from where it stores all the gas and shit because it is very echo friendly!

The car was also filled with marijuana so the puff of smoke was green, Pearl's car ran on marijuana, that is why it is echo friendly.

Pearl coughed as her eyes turned red, forgetting what the hell she even came here for and getting distracted as she ran the car into Peridot's living room.

"my hands,, ar ee... so..?? small?? they're so.. small.. this house is?? so big...? it's bigger than,, me? It is the biggest... house, like, ever?" Pearl stated.

Peridot wondered what the fuck was wrong with Pearl because now she was reversing and then going back into the living room and reversing again.

"Haha your stupid gay car is broken," laughs Peridot and keeps charging into Pearl's small weed car, even though her car will be broken but peridot does not care, Peridot must succeed.

"what is this donut shaped circular device in the middle??" Pearl said in her confused, high, state as she spun the wheel, pile diriving Peridot's shitty green car into a wall, she started laughing uncontrollably, not understanding what was going on.

Pearl looked over to see both their cars smashed into the side of the wall.

"this room?? is so.. green... green like, like, weed, like, pears, .. HEY.. your name is Peridot... PEAR..IDOT... PEAR IDIOT! HA, HAHAHAHA!!!" 

Pearl was so clever.

Peridot had to get out of her car so she could pee, she drank too much Mountain Dew.

Then she smelled something weird. "What the fuck... this is weed... lol fucking Pearl is a stoned loser," laughed Peridot and then she called 911 hello this bitch i mean my friend Pearl is high right now come over here, so Pearl could get arrested.

Pearl started freaking out when she heard Peridot talking on the phone and jumped out of her car, tackling her before she could get to pee.

"nooo,,, nooo, here, you have some too," Pearl said pushing the second hand weed smoke into Peridot's lungs by blowing it into her face.

"DON'T CALL THE POPOPOPO, HUMAN SCUM," Pearl said as she hid under the couch.

"GET OFF ME FILTHY PONY FUCKER I MUST URINTATE" screamed Peridot for the weed was also getting to her and she coughed, and then she peed her pants. Sirens were wailing in the distance.

"HA, you have a stain on your pants!" Pearl pointed out.

Pearl heard the sirens and began to freak out, "oh nonnoooo!!! the cops are coming, I don't like you, and.. you don't like me,,, but..."

Pearl forgot her motiviational speech and grabbed Peridot and threw her out the window, Pearl grabbed Peridot's fedora suit and took off running.

Pearl didn't need another night in jail, Rose was tired of bailing her marijuana smoking ass out.

So, Pearl ran and ran. before passing out in a pile of sweat as she has not run a lot.

Pearl thinks she got far away enough.

Pearl thinks she will never start another flame war again.

Peridot was kind of hot even though she smelled like piss and moutain dew.

Peridot groaned. She was sitting in a chair. It was a really short sparkly chair that hurt. Then she heard the sirens. OH SHIT she suddenly yelled and looked around, where was Pearl. Ah yes there she is, at the front door of the person across from her, lying on the ground, the cold hard ground.

She looked up and saw a nice man in a blue plumbers suit like Mario, "Hello we heard someone here had weed," he said. Peridot said, "Oh yeah shes over there" and pointed to the house next to where Pearl was lying and then passed out.

Pearl didn't even bother moving, she opened one eye, saw the people in the blue suits and yelled, "FUCK YOU MARIO, SONIC WAS BETTER!!!!" and fell back asleep.

She would have to have Rose bail her out again.

Rose then bailed Pearl out of jail and scolded her ass and told her to stop doing stupid shit and then she kissed Pearl on the forehead and said to stay safe as she was going out with Greg.

Pearl cried herself to sleep that night.


End file.
